Growth

As i view this blog one more time, scrolling down to all the posts.. I run through a hotpot of emotions. Emotions that were once poured on this very blog. I am relieved that all of the drama that were once the central issue of my life are now done and over with. I am sad that I never did do the right thing that could've made things easier. I am depressed to find that some that I lost are still lost and I am glad that some are now found and are being looked for. I am truly happy of who I am today for without the past, there wouldn't be the PH that you now know. Although I know no one really ever reads this anymore, I find comfort in showing my emotions and all the things that I were once scared of in this blog. I am happy that I found happiness within me. I can now say that I am truly happy and mature. I grew up.

All that transpired, in what I could say the dark era of my life, helped me find light and appreciate life as it is. Losing yourself in a complicated web helps you find the path you need to take later in life. I am now in the US trying to find a better future for my family. Hopefully, I can get to a college or university here and start everything all over again. All the memories, the precious gifts, I take them all not as a grudge, but as a testimony of my strength and willpower to overcome what was and what will be needed to overcome.

Time Zoooms In

Whew. Break’s almost over and what have I been up to these past few weeks. Well, for starters, I’m really lazy about typing anything into my blog (it shows). Either I’m really exhausted or I’m not “in the mood” to key in every in/significant detail in my petty life. Only now I had the energy because I have absolutely nothing to do.

The Manila Science High School Alumni Chorale (MSHSAC) have already been practicing for the upcoming concert on February. We still insist on being choir members despite our “clashing” schedules and intoxicating workloads. It was fun to sing again with them. I can remember the times when we struggled through the contests- the Himig Pamasko 2007 at Baywalk, Manila; the Rotary Club Chorale Competition; and especially the Rizal National festival of excellence Musical Theatre. During rehearsals, we would lie down on our backs and sing while there were thick books on top of our stomachs. We had really stressful moments when we were cramming to master the song. -sigh..- We were “kids” back then. Now everything’s different yet we still have the blazing passion to sing our hearts out despite all the trivialities. We still strive for excellence as we have been doing all these years.

It was about last last week when I started playing Ragnarok again due to the fact that it was a “free-to-play” server. I didn’t need to top-up anymore game time. You can now buy virtually any item using your money. Instead of loading up your game time, you load up your RoK points and start wiping out the in-game item catalog. Of course, this was the last resort for the game developers because the number of gamers has declined. I believe that the depreciating value of money caused this and enlightened people like me have realized its worth. Also, from experience, Ragnarok can get very monotonous as you progress because it gets more difficult to level up. It’s not that I have anything against online games, I still do play them but leisurely I guess. I’ve burned thousands just for this game and I’m not committing the same mistake twice.


Last week at the height of the “undas season,” we’ve visited our deceased relatives at the Manila Memorial in Parañaque and Eternal Gardens in Quezon City. We chilled in the cemetery for at least 5 hours- we ate, slept, hung out alongside the graves and tombstones because it was already customary for us. As we left, we prayed solemnly and bid our sad goodbyes to the lolo’s I’ve never met before.

From the 2nd to the 3rd of November 2007, our church “God’s House of Blessing” had a retreat at Tagaytay. We had a very captivating experience with the Lord. For two days and one night, we stayed at the Christian Development Center (CDC). Although we didn’t have a chance to get out and experience Tagaytay as is, we had a very defining moment in our spirituality. We renewed our faith to the Lord and came out as baby Christians. During sleep time, there was still scary stories and skyflakes to be shared. Niño got so scared that he exchanged beds with Kuya Ninoy. It’s because Niño was right beside the window. Haha. After everything, we left around 6pm the next day.

I started updating my multiply account (ronel003.multiply.com) to record all these events with pictures from my trusty SLR. I didn’t even know that it was called like that until ate Margel, a church mate, told me about it. She even gave me a crash course on photography about speed and a---nce. Nakalimutan ko ung a word that refers to the amount of light that enters the lens. Hmm.. with that aside, I advertise my multiply account. Haha. Please do add me up :D I still wish I had my desktop pc upgraded and a broadband connection for uploading pictures :c

Two days ago, I bought a Naruto Shipuuden DVD from the Lozada Wet and Dry Market, where I ride the jeep homebound. Obviously, it’s a pirated version. I was tempted to buy this because of three reasons.

1. I got envious of the man who was browsing along the pirated dvd.
2. I really wanted to watch shipuuden for the past few months or at least when I knew of its existence; and
3. I had money and it feels good to spend money.

I was really excited about it and I can’t wait to finally watch it at home. As I got home, I prepared the dvd player and my lunch, sat down and enjoyed the show. As my parents came home from work, I was still watching it- realizing that I was on the tv for about 6 hours. Mom got infuriated about this and she scolded me. As an anime addict, I told her for many times na “sandali nalang,” “kaunti nalang ma,” or “saglit nalang.” Eventually, I got her so mad and she just pulled the cord wtf.. I just tried to understand her and the current power crisis (and our financial crisis as well) and went off to my room. I think the reason that I got her mad because I was using our big TV. The normal sized tv’s dvd player got busted last week so I had no choice but to watch it on the projection tv. I just watched it the next day for another 5 hours and finished it. Hehe, I watched it as soon as I woke up (about 10am). Sorry mom for the expected price hike on our monthly meralco bill ;p Btw, Naruto has never been this good. Haha. All of them leveled up and was fighting head-on with Akatuski members. All the fierce battles, exciting scenes and dramatic plots.. Woooo!!

Last night, I because I really had absolutely nothing to do (I was really unproductive for the past days excluding me watching Naruto haha.) Mom told me to take charge over our small retail store. Since I was bad shot to her about the Naruto thing, I conceded to her. As usual, it was very boring. I used the small black and white tv (at least it had abs-cbn :D I heard that they’d have their systems upgraded by January 2008 with their “Digital TV” effect. I hope it succeeds though because all that our single-eared rabbit antenna only receives GMA 7 which, I think, explains GMA 7’s high ratings ;p) to at least entertain myself. Good thing I have my cellphone with me and I texted most of the time. It was when texting got boring that I pulled some of the store’s back issue magazines. I browsed some of it and, thankfully, it did eat my time. It was up until 12:30am that I closed the store. And because of my valiant effort, I got allowance from my dad. Wahaha.

Today, all I did was wake up at 12nn, watch over the store again, play sudoko on the magazines, drink water and eat minimally. Whew. So much for unproductivity. -sigh..- at least I was less of a nuisance to my mom. Haha. She even congratulated me for being “good.” wth. Kidding! And today marks the last day (umm.. last Friday, last weekday day?) of sembreak! Another semester awaits me at UP Manila. Wee. My objective is to attend all concerts/parties and get sober-> drunk -> wasted -> plastered. Haha. (Effects of Liqour Flowchart by Paula Sales. hehe). My real objective is to study harder! And become hmm.. a dentist (6 years) and a surgeon (about 4 years of medicine and 4-5 years of specialization).

Hey, everyone has their dreams..

College Life.. Buhay Isko..

[Waw.. ang tagal ko na palang hindi nagpopost. Game, pupunasan ko na ung mga agiw. tagalog nalang.]

Whew. Ang dami nang nangyari. Nagkaroon ng practice ang MSHS Alumni Chorale last friday. Nagbago't nagimprove ang karamihan. Bumalik narin si Emerson. Magaling na rin siguro. Namiss ko ang choir pero may something. Mejo nagblublur ung sense of belongingness ko. Ako lang yata 'yung may problema (paranoia ulit.. ata). Galing nga e, may upcoming concert kami sa PhilAm Life this December. Excited.. Anxious.. Kinakabahan.. Natutuwa.. eto na naman ung halu-halong emosyon. Samahan mo pa ng past events at 'yung walang kamatayang insecurities at lack of confidence na hindi bumibigong biguin ako. Dapat na-master ko na 'yun. Ewan ko ba.

UPM! Masaya naman sa upm. Kelangan lang magadjust sa kasawaan sa lugar. Nakakasanayan ko na ung lack of variety. Isang normal day nalang ulet sa akin ung sumakay ng jeep at bus sa kahabaan ng Taft avenue. Pero hindi riyan nagtatapos ang college life [ko]. Nagiging exciting na siya kapag pumasok ka na sa classroom at nagstart na ang mga prof sa pagturo ng NatSci, SocSci, Philo, Comm, Math, at Histo. Pati narin ang NSTP at PE na ginagawa kadalasan sa labas.

Exciting ung mga ka-block ko, kitang-kita ang diverse student population ng up. May mga kablock akong galing Butuan, Pangasinan, Bataan.. ako naman galing Faura. May mga PhilAm at may muslim blockmate rin ako. Medyo nakakasabay rin ako sa balitaktakan ng mga ka-iskolar kong pure english magsalita. Hehe.. 'di naman 'yun siguro ka-konyohan.

Dati nood nood lang ako sa tv ng mga taong sigaw ng sigaw sa kalsada, mga taong pampatrapik sa daan, mga taong nakikipagbakbakan sa mga pulis, mga taong binobombahan ng tubig, mga taong nagrarally.. Ngayon, mapapanood niyo na ako! Last thurs after class, may rally na isasagawa ang UP pati narin ang ibang kolehiyo sa kalakhang Maynila (FEU, PUP etc.) dahil sa TOFI (Tuition and Other Fees Increase). Nakisali ako sa kanila. Kasama ko ang blockhead naming si arman at ang blockmate kong si dianna. Pumunta kami kasama ang iba pang UPM students sa morayta para magrally. Siyempre, ayaw ko rin namang magbayad ang mga magulang ko ng mataas na matrikula. Nababawasan din ang baon ko.. hehe.. Joke. Pero siyempre para mabawasan ung pagiging "liability" ko sa magulang ko. Isa 'yun sa mga dahilan sa pagsali ko. Tsaka experience rin 'un. Medyo kinabahan rin ako nung nakita ko ung pulis na may mga malalaking shield at batuta. Lalu pa nung nakita ko ung fire truck na nagaabang. Buti nalang hindi kami binombahan ng tubig. Whew.. Masaya magsiga-sigaan sa daan! Hehe.. Parang mga nakawalang hayop lang. Parang gusto ko na tuloy maging aktibista at makisalok sa maruming lawa ng politika. Un, napagod lang. Pero fulfilling..

"Iskolar ng bayan, ngayon ay lumalaban!

Edukasyon edukasyon, karapatan ng bawat mamamayan!"

Satisfied narin ako sa aking katawan. Pero may i-o-ok pa 'to. Balik ulit ako sa 59kg ngunit mataas lang talaga ang body fat index ko. Masaya finals namin sa pe 1! Fun Run! Matagal nang nasa curriculum ang pagtakbo ng mga pe1 fpf (foundations/fundamentals in Physical fitness) students sa acad oval ng upd. Medyo naexcyt nga ako nung una kong nalaman 'yun e. Pero grabe.. nakakapagod tumakbo. Every fri, tumatakbo kami paikot-ikot sa upm grounds for 40 mins. 10 laps 'yun! Buti naman among the top runners ako palagi. Hehe.

Ok naman sa acads. Wala akong mga bagsak hehe.. excited narin akong mag dentistry proper. Last wednesday, nagkaroon kami ng career orientation. Pinakita nila kung anu ung kahihinatnan namin sa dent.

-Pwedeng mag venture sa forensics. Medyo disturbing nga lang ung finlash na cases sa ppt presentation at diring-diri ang lahat.

-Pwedeng mag pediatric dent. Dito magexpect ka na magiging teether ang kamay mo. Kailangan ding maging "patient and child-loving" ang mga kukuha nito. Kung trip ay makipag socialize sa ating mga kababayan, community dent daw. Kung san san napapadpad ung mga nag cocommunity dent. May time na pinadala pa ung speaker sa malaysia as ambassador of peace and goodwill. Masaya naman to pero hindi gaano mahahasa ang skills na na-acquire sa pagaaral ng dent

-More on socialization xempre. Kung hardcore dentistry at ung tipong factory-paced ang gusto, industrial dent daw. Sila ung mga private companies na naka-station kadalasan sa mga hindi gaanong nabibisitang parte ng mga malls. Maraming patients kaagad ang mahahandle. Hasang-hasa talaga ang tooth extraction, dental amalgamation? (hehe.. nanghuhula lang ako. paglalagay nalang ng pasta) at ung iba pang common weapons ng isang general dentist. Ok daw 'to. Pagkagrad at pagkakuha ng license, sabak na agad.

-Pero sa mas "hardcore" na dentistry.. Nandiyan ung option na mag enroll sa post grad. Meron ang upm niyan! Along faura! Orthodontics! 6 lang sila sa batch. Halatang hardcore tlga. Isa ito sa mga lucrative ventures ng isang dentista. Bend bend ng wires.. Kabit kabit ng brackets.. Compute compute ng velocity ng paggalaw ng ngipin.. Pampayaman to. Kaya 'eto 'yung balak ko kunin paglaki ko.

-May iba pang post grad courses ang dentistry.. ang "oral and maxillofacial surgery" another 5 years yan.. Parang med proper lang. Pero pagkagrad mo.. Kikilalanin kang isang surgeon (medical doctor) at dentista. Hmm.. medyo appealing ung dual title. Ewan ko nalang kung san ako babagsak.

Tama na sa dent. Baka hindi ka na gaanong nakakarelate.

Ang kulit ng buhay.. may mga taong malapit sayo pero parang ang layo.. may mga lumalapit na ule pero may mga lumalayo rin.. meron ding.. ewan.. mejo nakakadepress pero wala naman akong magagawa.. ganun talaga.. Sori sa drama. Lalo ka sigurong hindi nakarelate.

Madness

I have been on this perilous journey for such a long time. I can almost see the blurry end and I could only depict two conclusions – a mountain slope or –sigh..- a waterfall.

Keeping a nearly perfect punctual(?) record was quite difficult. Several hours on the road was as painstaking as it can get including my late night house arrivals. Accompaniment from dizziness and drowsiness made matters even worse. But having to attend was a blessing in itself. Listening to serenades and having your voice trained was an opportunity not to be missed by a chorale fanatic like myself. My head was just held up too high for me to appreciate those things..

I dreamt for it. I yearned for it. But here I am now, an obsessed, half-crazed lunatic. The recurrences of remorse, jealousy and self-pity have become my staple. Wallowing in these “sorrows” is definitely destructive. But I subconsciously keep on swimming back, it’s as if I need it.. The urge surpasses my frail will rendering me vulnerable to such..

I am not depressed or anything but this burden just keeps on loading itself up. It keeps on growing. No matter how I try to annihilate these inhibitions, they keep on coming back.. Its roots squirm etheir way to the depths of my being. A ticking time bomb.. Its blossoming.. my demise.

How can such a dream become such a nightmare? The incompetence.. The lack.. It feels as if I am about to implode.. I think I just need to immerse myself in fresh waters. I will miss this intoxicating invigoration. It is not the end yet.. but nearly tehe end. I will enduringly wait for it to. A “come what may” is indeed at hand..

-crosses fingers and dives down the waterfall-

GAME! Go August 5!!

Unrhapsodical

I think that the best description of my life is: "Chase your dreams!.."


..although I always end up being swallowed in its dust.

I am an under-achiever.. even though I put my heart, my soul and my body into things. I always think that that will be its very last. -sigh..- It just gives me reason to expect - the thing that I always regret in the end.

Nevertheless, I'd still put everything into things that I do. I'd try to put passion and fervor. But I should learn not to expect anything in return.

How..

Help..T.T

The Hopeful Prelude

April 8, 2007

I was slightly panicking. I did not know what song to sing. I asked Father Jerricho, choirmaster of the UST Pharmacy Glee Club and conductor of MSHS chorale batch '05, to suggest me a song to sing at the UPSA auditions. Despite that, I was searching blogskins.com for a new look for my old blog. I handled the two tasks efficiently with my multitasking abilities [:D]. Father suggested me to look for Josh Groban songs or any other low-range songs to showcase my "bass" voice. I did find one - Vincent by Josh Groban which is more popularly known as "starry starry night.." - and it somehow did suit my voice.

Ralph and I met up at Zapote and rushed to ride a bus Masci bound. We we're the only ones who weren't there. As we arrived there, we saw Vanir at the gate - alone. I grabbed her and hurried to the MAPEH department. Pau Siu and Leslie we're already there. They were having light conversations with our dear Ma'am Carlos. Leslie was panicking for she did not have a song yet though Ma'am Carlos suggested her to be Pocahontas.

After we said our goodbyes to Ma'am and after she said her good lucks to us and after the taxi-hunt, we we're on our way. Leslie was still panicking about her song. Manong taxi's enduring ears was definitely taken to the test. We hummed, sang, oohed our prospective songs just to negligibly loosen the tension.

We arrived at UPD 15 minutes early but we had to find Lousanne and Iric. I became jealous of the fact that they have their own world at UPD. It was so unfortunate of Masci-UPM students to have the same, boring setting. Haha. I belong to those unfortunates. After a while, we eventually found Lousanne and Iric along with GJ, Bryan, Niño, and Nialyn. Niño and Nialyn went with us to the auditions.. Time check? Past 4. Wooo... Rush!!

We rode a jeepney headed towards "sikatuna bliss." I became more awestruck and jealous as the jeep treaded along its path in UP. Kuya dropped us off at "x" compound. We then rode a tricycle towards the apartment. At first, it didn't look astounding for a choirmaster's abode but we plunged in. Room 722.. 722.. Bam. There it was. That fateful door -gulp- GAME!! We went to the stairs and sang fervently our doxology -One thing I ask..- and.. wooo.. it was heard by the choir master! He asked us to sing a song as a choir. Well, we sang "No Importa" and he looked a bit(?) satisfied with our performance. All of us sat at the "hot seats" except for the Sopranos -Leslie and Vanir- who started to vocalize with the choir master. Kuya Emil -a bass 1 trainee- chatted with us to ease the tension. Ralph interrogated him about college, UPSA, and the like and the Q&A seemed to irritate him though he did continue the interview.

We can hear their vocalizations inside and our nervousness grew note after note. The sops were finished and they came out seemingly drunk and extremely weary. I held Vanir's arm and goohood.. they were very cold. It was the altos turn and we needed to force Pau Siu into auditioning yet she eventually gave in. Time passed... Tenors.. Noo. I'm the only bass. But they called me in. Woo... This is it!

Mr. Ed Manguiat - the choirmaster - told us to vocalize. It went pretty well? He pressed several keys and he asked us to follow it. Iric came first, then Ralph, then.. -gulp- it was my turn. I sang a little weird and windy but.. I didn't mind. I just waited him to judge my singing capacity.. and there it was.

"May quality ka ng tenor 1 pero pinipilit mong mag-bass."

I was stunned by that remark. It kept on ringing in my head as I sang my choice song. I did falter - I forgot the tones but.. to hell with that. I only wish it had no negative effects.
After that nerve-wracking event, we went outside together with our co-choir members and he told that UPSA is the only college choir that handles beginners and trains them thoroughly. He did reiterate his comments.

Vanir - You have a great, natural soprano voice. Although some of your singing habits hindered you from achieving your full potential.

Leslie - I'm regretful to lose such power in the soprano group. If you can't readily make it to your actual voice, I'll put you first in the Alto section to improve it and we'll steadily develop it.

Philippe - I don't know where to put you. You have the quality of a tenor yet you haven't discovered it yet since you were accustomed in singing bass.

Iric - You have a great soloist's voice. Among the rest, you can hold your voice for the longest time. It may be hard to revert you back into the choir mode but you did well earlier.

Ralph -You have a high cheek bone which denotes high resonance within the mouth cavity - A force that must be honed in the bass 1 section. I have nothing else to say except that your voice is intended for the chorale and you have Europe-material voice.

Lousanne - You are on the right track on Alto. Well.. I also have nothing else to say except that your voice is intended for the chorale and you have Europe-material voice.

Pausiu - you are definitely an Alto 1. I can hear excellent timbre when you reach high notes. It is just a bit windy though.

And it all ended with a bookmark that they gave to us printed with "U.P. Singing Ambassadors"

Intermission Number?

Summer '07 has been the best amongst all summers. Unlike any other, I'm not stuffing myself again with provision nor am I rotting alive in my room. Although I was supposed to consider last summer to be the best due to the fact that we went to Bora, I put this summer on top of my list. I do not give "place visited" a perfect one hundred percent in my criteria. It's all about the personal experience, the rest-slash-boost you need for the next hurdle/s.

For starters, my family and I went to a private lot in a private island in Batangas which hopefully were ours. At last, a refreshing respite from the metropolis. I enjoyed every last bit of clean air. Every breath was filled with ecstasy for my precious, pink lungs. For four years, I had undergone continuous exposure to suburban pollution. And for the next six years to come, I will be breathing smoke. Fortunately, I have no lung cancer yet. I dove into the inviting yet freezing seawater - conversations with acquaintances took my mind off the subzero treatment. Eventually, it did get enjoyable. I've absorbed its natural beauty and relished every drop. The next day, we headed off to Puerto Galera. I consider it as a cheaper Bora. It was almost the same except for its less white sands and smaller area. Btw, it was my first time to buy souvenirs. I got so hyped up that I didn't budget my expenses and I had to borrow some money from my grandmother [x.x] Banana boat riding was the climax of the day! Haha, I had the whitest legs amongst the other passengers. Anyway, the captain sharply turned his motorboat and toppled all of us into the sea. He did that three times. Whoo! That was some experience! Of course we we're wearing life vests. Thankfully. [:D]

Swimming is almost always connotated with summer. I had two swimming sessions with my friends this summer. I think I don't have ample time for another splash since freshman enrollment is only a week away but I’ll try to squeeze in another swim. Go! Btw, skin darkening is too. Guess how much black I am compared to before? Haha.

Badminton has always been a part of my system. I had three sessions already with my closest friends this summer. We play at Badminton City - just beside SM Manila. Playing in an actual court gave me the elevated feeling of competition. The right atmosphere sets the right mood and boosts your game. The ample heat in the area declogs your sweat glands and lets them perspire away. Playing in the streets means that your shuttlecock flies with the wind, running recklessly towards the shuttlecock carried by the wind, and the heightened danger of a car ruining your game or your health. Anyway, I hope they show results soon. [XD]

Several summer escapades enshrined my calendar but only some of them were actually planned. I just have the knack for shocking people [:D]. I usually invite my friends to extemporaneous gaalaans. To avoid summer heat waves, several strongholds were established. My closest friends and I took shelter there. SM has always been there, providing everything, including Dance Maniax, Dance Revo, and Paraparadise! Wooohoo!

And most of all, I've had three new, closest friends. Thanks to Ralph, Royce, and Celiz, they gave me hope. Because of them, I've learned how to enjoy life again. I've lost that touch. But now, I've regained it because of them. The three of you taught me how to smile again.

Summer is not just an intermission number for my academic life. Although always dulls my illegible handwriting, I am very grateful for this momentary respite. It improved every bit of my being. This summer means so much to me. We are now at its height. Enjoy it.